I lit up a cig in the midst of clutter.

"But then we do discover how to make the distinction, and we discover we are tiny and vulnerable in a vast, strange and sometimes terrifying world."

I wasn't menacingly precocious just so you know. Just so everybody knows.

You see there are certain perks of being the only man in your family. There's also a pitfall though. Raya's been alright I guess. Or great in every sense or whatever. Well you know bright lights, genuine smiles, warm embraces, hypothetical tears, 'dress to impress', family gathering, duit raya (for what it's worth), fancy cars to show off and brag about. And you the one I argued with, let's get to this conundrum real deep.

First off I'm heartily sorry if the way I grow up to be doesn't tickle your fancy. I don't portray and tell people off the actuality of what is happening in my life. Barring the 'I've grown up as much as I plan to', it took me by surprise that you judged my act as a 'transgression against god' solely because I lit up a cig. So here's the irrational contention with my long-lost-fickle uncle who appeared out of the blue.

I know not all would agree with what I agree to.

"Qayyum who I knew once, the 6 year old kid now smoking. Ni mesti sebab pengaruh kawan, don't mingle with the wrong crowd. Refrain yourself from smoking. Kalau jaga sembahyang mesti tak terjebak benda-benda macam ni."

"You've got no idea what I've been through over the years. I'm 19 verging on 20, I smoke by choice. The irony is, you smoke too. So maksudnya uncle tak jaga sembahyang macam tu no? So smokers memang tak sembahyang? Yang rajin ke surau/masjid yang smoke tak sembahyang? Take a good glimpse of yourself in a mirror before you're obligated to judge me. Or anyone for that matter."

So..
1) I'm pretty certain I have a greater grasp on who I am now.
2) Yes I ditch people (the useless ones), that's what I do. That's what we all do.
3) Those outmoded mentalities/ideas, which now seem to me somewhat absurd and ridiculous. 'Age & Respect' is not applicable under this special set of circumstances. Intellectual is.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Oh and be a good person, it never goes to waste.

A gold medal for self.

It has been so dull and gloomy lately.

Hours of solitude gave me room to think and I enjoyed it immensely. You and your thoughts against the world.

I have doubts to be rectified, still. Eitherway I'm not going to share my epiphany as I'm afraid I would digress. As I always do. You see it's a pleasure conscience to express our natural instinctive state of mind into words. Once, I'd rather keep my thoughts on a shelf. Like those unread books. Dusted. But through all sanity I managed to express them via actual human activity and interaction, mind over matter they say.

As cliche as it gets, people might say, we face failures and hardship. We endure and break through the bricks. And the bricks give me a hard time really. (this sounds remotely funny no)

What I'm alluding to is, I'm not privileged enough to have choices. I do have choices but not as much as most of you do. Some might probably scoff and think I sound ungrateful, self-absorbed, imbecile even. I genuinely don't care what other people go through at this point. As it stands, uncertainty devours me. I'm always, ALWAYS left to doubt every decision and resolution I make and that, I begin to question my decisiveness. At the root of every thought, every nerve and whitish fiber of my being is demoralized. Disheartened.

But then again I took the long view..

Now I acknowledge I'm on the right track. I'm on a winning streak. I know where exactly am I heading to. Here's to 4-years bachelor of chemical engineering (hons) in process.

Fuck everyone my dream won't be deviated.
I will win this battle.